“I asked her what was so scary about unmerited free grace? She replied something like this: "If I was saved by my good works -- then there would be a limit to what God could ask of me or put me through. I would be like a taxpayer with rights. I would have done my duty and now I would deserve a certain quality of life. But if it is really true that I am a sinner saved by sheer grace -- at God's infinite cost -- then there's nothing he cannot ask of me.”
JOURNAL
Yesterday was a really hard day. It felt like everything was being challenged, nothing seemed to go right, and by the time I woke up this morning there was a part of me that just wanted to toss in the towel. Not necessarily on anything specific, but on the effort of it all. The constant trying, hoping, working, praying and believing only to have another day where circumstances seem to push back from every direction.
Those are the days when the questions get louder. Why am I here? Where is my hope? What am I supposed to do? When things are going well, those questions can almost feel philosophical. After a day like yesterday, they become very real. And yet the answers haven't changed. I am here because God created me. My hope is in the God who created me. And what I am supposed to do is seek Him and faithfully respond to whatever He places in front of me today.
Maybe the difficulty is that I still want faithfulness to produce the outcomes I hope for. Somewhere inside me is the belief that if I work hard enough, love well enough, pray enough and try to follow God, things should eventually work out. That is why Keller's words about grace hit me so hard. If this were a transaction, I could point to what I've done and expect God to provide a certain quality of life in return. But grace means there was never a transaction. God doesn't owe me the outcome I want, and I don't have to earn the love I desperately need.
Paul's words make even more sense after a day like yesterday: "I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow." My responsibility has never been to make everything work. I plant. I water. I love. I teach. I coach. I encourage. I pray. I show up. But the growth belongs to God. The outcome belongs to God. Maybe much of my exhaustion comes from continually trying to do His part.
So perhaps waking up wanting to toss in the towel isn't necessarily a sign that something is terribly wrong. Maybe it is another invitation to surrender. Not surrender as quitting, but surrendering my demand that today has to go a certain way. Psalm 119 says, "Direct me in the path of your commands, for there I find delight." It doesn't say the path will always produce the circumstances I want. The blessing is that God is on the path with me.
And this morning I don't feel particularly strong or inspired. Maybe that is exactly where grace becomes real. I don't have to manufacture some heroic response to yesterday. I simply have to return. The prodigal didn't clean himself up before going home. He came back busted up and empty, and while he was still a long way off, his father ran toward him.
So today I return. I may be tired. I may be disappointed. I may not understand what God is doing. But I can still plant the seed in front of me. I can still water what He has entrusted to me. I can still love the people He puts in my path. I can still contribute today's verse without knowing how the story turns out.
Maybe faith isn't never wanting to toss in the towel. Maybe faith is waking up wanting to toss it in, handing the towel to God instead, and saying, "I don't have much today, but what I have is Yours."
The growth belongs to Him. The outcome belongs to Him. Tomorrow belongs to Him.
Today, I just need to walk with Him.
LUKE 15:20-24
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