“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it.”
― Brené Brown
PSALM 109-111
17I urge you, brothers and sisters, to watch out for those who cause divisions and put obstacles in your way that are contrary to the teaching you have learned. Keep away from them. 18For such people are not serving our Lord Christ, but their own appetites. By smooth talk and flattery they deceive the minds of naive people.
JOURNAL
Doing this consistently over the past couple of years has been difficult, but as with most difficult things in my life, the blessings have been different from what I expected. They aren't money, success, recognition or even circumstances working out the way I hoped. Most people looking at my life from the outside probably wouldn't notice much difference at all. The change has been deeper. I am learning to pause. To stop reacting, fixing, controlling and constantly looking toward what happens next, and instead remember God in the middle of what is happening right now.
I think so much of my life has been lived toward outcomes. I'll be at peace when this happens. I'll be happy when that works out. I'll rest when the people I love are okay. But I am beginning to understand that tomorrow has never belonged to me. Today does. Surrendering tomorrow doesn't mean abandoning hope. It means holding hope with open hands. Jesus himself prayed, "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me." He wanted a different outcome. But then came the words I am learning may contain the secret to peace: "Yet not my will, but yours be done." I can hope, dream, work and pray for tomorrow without requiring tomorrow to turn out a certain way before I allow myself to fully live today.
Reading through the Bible has reinforced this over and over. Nobody had their shit together. Abraham, Moses, David, Peter and Paul struggled, failed, doubted and made terrible decisions. The Psalms are filled with people honestly admitting their fear, anger, loneliness and pain. "For I am poor and needy, and my heart is wounded within me." Maybe faith isn't having everything figured out. Maybe faith is bringing everything honestly before God and trusting that His love remains. Even Jesus experienced anguish. By the world's measurements, his life ended looking like failure. Yet his life was perfect. That challenges almost everything I have believed about what it means to succeed.
I am beginning to see that maybe the goal isn't to build a life that looks successful from the outside. Maybe it is to become fully present to the life God has placed in front of me and to receive His love deeply enough that I can give it away. Power, love and discipline take on a different meaning from there. Power isn't controlling outcomes, but walking faithfully into uncertainty. Love isn't something I earn, but something I receive and give. Discipline is returning again and again to the present, surrendering what I cannot control, and faithfully doing what is in front of me.
That is also why Brené Brown's words hit me differently now: "Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it." There are parts of my story I am proud of and parts I wish I could rewrite. But maybe owning my story means no longer needing to separate the good from the bad before bringing it to God. It means accepting that life is difficult, that people get hurt, dreams change, plans fail, people we love make choices we cannot control, and sometimes we fail ourselves. And still, God is here.
Perhaps that is where peace actually lives. Not in finally arranging life so that nothing can hurt me, but in surrendering the outcome and receiving the day in front of me. Teach. Coach. Work. Exercise. Laugh. Eat dinner with the people I love. Notice the sky. Encourage someone. Forgive. Pray. Be here. The powerful play goes on, and I get to contribute a verse, but I only get to contribute today's verse today.
That is why I keep writing these journals even when I wonder whether they matter. I believe more than ever that we are here to connect, not simply succeed; to love, not simply win; to engage rather than hide; and to give rather than accumulate. I still have enormous hopes for tomorrow, especially for the people I love. But I am learning to hold those hopes with open hands. My security cannot be in the outcome. It has to be in the arms I fall into regardless of the outcome. God is here. I am loved. Today is enough. Receive the day, love the people in it, contribute my verse, and surrender the rest.
LUKE 22:42-44
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