“When I was ten, I read fairy tales in secret and would have been ashamed if I had been found doing so. Now that I am fifty, I read them openly. When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up.”
― C.S. Lewis, On Stories: And Other Essays on Literature
SONG OF SOLOMON 1-3
JOURNAL
Trauma has a way of trapping us in time. Something happens, often when we are young, and we develop ways of protecting ourselves from experiencing that pain again. We force things we do not need to force. We run from things we need to face. We lash out when we need to calmly assess. We smooth things over when we need to confront. We hate when we need to love. We remain stubborn when we need to forgive. I learned at Onsite years ago that many of these patterns are established when we are young and become automatic responses to fear, anxiety, rejection, and pain. Long after the original threat is gone, we can continue responding as though it is still happening. Trauma can keep us in a perpetual loop where yesterday dictates how we respond to today.
But I am beginning to think there is another way we become trapped. It is not only what we believe about our past that shapes how we live today. It is also what we believe about our future. A lack of positive expectancy can create its own kind of dysfunction. If I expect tomorrow to bring disappointment, failure, sickness, loss, or some catastrophe I cannot handle, then every problem today becomes larger than it really is. A setback becomes evidence that everything is falling apart. Difficulty becomes something to fear or escape rather than something to confront and engage.
Faith changes that perspective. If I truly believe that God is good, that He loves me, that His grace is sufficient, and that He is working even through circumstances I do not understand, then I can develop a positive expectancy about life. Not the childish belief that nothing bad will happen, but the childlike belief that whatever happens, my Father will be there. Paul prayed three times for his thorn to be removed, but God did not remove it. Instead, He said, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." The promise was never a life without difficulty. The promise was God's presence and power within it.
Maybe that is one of the great differences between fear and faith. Fear takes today's problem and projects it endlessly into tomorrow. Faith confronts today's problem while placing tomorrow in God's hands. When I believe God still has plans for me, there is something beyond the problem in front of me. There are people still to love, students still to teach, players still to coach, relationships still to deepen, things still to create, mistakes still to redeem, and lessons still to learn. There is purpose ahead that I cannot yet see.
Perhaps this is part of what C.S. Lewis understood about growing older while recovering the best parts of being a child. Maturity does not require abandoning wonder. The unhealthy child within me reacts from old wounds and fears, but there is another child within me capable of trust, curiosity, hope, love, imagination, and expectancy. Maybe healing requires recovering that childlike ability to believe there is still something good ahead.
Positive expectancy is not believing everything will work out according to my plans. It is believing God will be present and purposeful even when my plans do not work out at all. Trauma says, "This happened before, so protect yourself because it will happen again." Fear says, "Look at today's problem and imagine how bad tomorrow could become." Faith says, "God has been faithful, God is here now, and God will already be there when tomorrow arrives."
The past does not have to dictate today, and today's difficulty does not have to define tomorrow. I can confront what is in front of me, do the next right thing, and surrender the outcome. There is still something good ahead, not because I know what tomorrow holds, but because I know who holds me when it arrives.
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