Recovery post...8/26/2015

I came across this post the other day and I feel the nudge this morning to post because there are people that suffer silently, who are masters at hiding their hurt, anger and hopelessness. I know it because I have lived it, seen it, talked with others who experience it. This was three months after I returned from ONSITE...seven years later it rings just as true as the day I wrote it. There really are answers and there really is hope! 

The derailment of a train is an obvious disaster, yet if the train was heading off a cliff then that derailment although terrible is better than the alternative.  Sometimes the derailment of our plans and hopes is in this same vein.  Sometimes we are heading for a cliff that we can't see or understand. 3 months ago my train was somewhat derailed.  I came to a crossroad in my heart and mind that I could not process.  I was gripped with fear, anger, hurt, guilt, shame all compounded.  It was the culmination of a lifetime of pain.  Emotional pain that I had learned to bury, cover up and had hoped that time and circumstance would make all go away.  What I found was that these never really go away.  

The fear, mixed with anger was so deep and powerful that it frightened me.  I knew I needed help, yet I didn't know how to even verbalize what I was feeling or experiencing. As a result I was paralyzed in despair.  I knew the standard answers, I had read volumes and volumes of material, I had analyzed and processed, discussed, prayed, cried, screamed and nothing ever changed.  The anger, fear and despair persisted.  Why?  Why would God not just remove it if I asked.  

That then brought me to a point of questioning everything.  I had reached this point early in my life and I found myself back again.  Questioning my faith, my life and the purpose of it all. I did this silently.  I had mastered the art of stuffing the "ugly" parts. Letting enough out to be human but limiting it so as not to bring about alarms or sirens. Yet now I was to a point that I could no longer stuff it.  I felt like my brain and thoughts were a constant ping pong match.  Back and forth between good, evil, shame, anger, love, hope, dreams, despair...it was as if my emotions and thoughts came alive in ways that were independent of me.  It scared me...I felt like I was truly losing my mind and in many ways I was...I was losing control. I sought help.  I was finally honest in my despair.  No feel good answers, finally I faced that I was losing it and could no longer keep it together.  

In seeking help I was referred to Onsite.  When I watched the video, I wanted to pack my bags immediately.  I longed desperately to get away and finally seek answers to all the shame and fear.  The weeks leading up to my week off the grid were tolerable knowing that I had a time and place where I could drop all the spinning plates and seek answers.   Onsite was more than I could have ever hoped.  Donald Miller described the place in his recent book "Scary Close".  Yet as with most experiences and especially this one, it can't really be described, just experienced.  What I can say upon my return a little over 2 months ago is that I got answers, found healing, and am in the process of daily walking in that healing which is recovery and I realize in many ways that recovery will be the rest of my life.  

As I drove away from the beautiful grounds that Friday morning I was excited to return to life in all it's messiness, with all its hurt, heartache and disappointment. Two months later I can say that it didn't solve all my problems or take away hurts, anger, sadness.  They still exist yet I can embrace them and understand them in ways that don't overwhelm me.  I can live with them, I can own them and I can actually be grateful in ways that allow all of my past, present and future to culminate in the uniqueness of God's creation...me.  

Learning to accept this...that God created me in all of my complexities and contradictions and he calls it good is essential to joy and peace.  Accepting God's love, accepting his forgiveness, accepting his joy is harder than I thought.  Yet it is the source of my hope and joy.  Because as I reflect on the core of my healing and recovery I find LOVE.  God is Love.  He is the Author...As I wake up and face today, my circumstance is actually a bit worse, yet my heart and hope are in a far different place.  Yesterday I wrote the following... 

In all my 44 years I have discovered that God is not here to give us what we want.  We are here to experience his greatness by accepting his love and in loving others.  When we accept that getting all the things we want is not what life is about.  Then we can actually have peace and rest in God's love.  Then we can actually begin to love ourselves, love others and accept God's love for us.  It is then that our circumstances become irrelevant other than to give us opportunities to love.  

 

If our love is conditional, meaning we have to have a certain amount of money, health etc.  then love is meaningless, then the life of Christ, his suffering and the life of all those before us are pointless.  Because then money and good health and nice circumstances are our Gods.  The Bible is a book that shows us that the greatest joys in life can be found in the worst circumstances and suffering.  It shows us time and time again that status, wealth, health, position and power are meaningless. They fade and are guaranteed to be fragile, but love, hope and faith can exist in every circumstance.  They can thrive in torture, they can blossom in abundance...the circumstance is never the source or the author.  They exist beyond and last through.  

 

All 3 of these start within, they are seeds planted in our hearts and they grow into bloom when we consider and place our hope in the author.  They are confirmed in reading and understanding the love of Christ.  When we accept and believe that the purpose of our life is to love then everything else fades and we can find joy in every circumstance because in every circumstance we can love.   It is the one thing that can never be taken away.  In a prison, naked and weak I can still love.  In a palace with more wealth than I can count, I can still love.  I can love by being grateful in all circumstances.  I can be grateful for life, breath, rain, storms, and yes even torture, pain, and death. In all these I can love...I can love God, I can love myself and I can love others. It is in this love that I become bulletproof...meaning that everything can be taken, my body destroyed and love will still remain and never fail.  Love does not require reciprocation, it requires nothing other than a heart surrendered to it.  

"Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." ~ 1 Corinthians 13

This is my one thing. Love and the author is where I place my hope and it is the song of my heart and the deepest call of my soul. 

DECEMBER 31, 2022

  “For like a shaft, clear and cold, the thought pierced him that in the end the Shadow was only a small and passing thing: there was light and high beauty for ever beyond its reach.” 

― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King

MALACHI

16Then those who feared the Lord talked with each other, and the Lord listened and heard. A scroll of remembrance was written in his presence concerning those who feared the Lord and honored his name.

17“On the day when I act,” says the Lord Almighty, “they will be my treasured possession. I will spare them, just as a father has compassion and spares his son who serves him. 18And you will again see the distinction between the righteous and the wicked, between those who serve God and those who do not.(3:16-18)

REVELATION 22

6The angel said to me, “These words are trustworthy and true. The Lord, the God who inspires the prophets, sent his angel to show his servants the things that must soon take place.”

7“Look, I am coming soon! Blessed is the one who keeps the words of the prophecy written in this scroll.”

8I, John, am the one who heard and saw these things. And when I had heard and seen them, I fell down to worship at the feet of the angel who had been showing them to me. 9But he said to me, “Don’t do that! I am a fellow servant with you and with your fellow prophets and with all who keep the words of this scroll. Worship God!”

JOURNAL 

We are to worship God and live in faith and hope. By doing so we will live in love. Love is the defining characteristic of God. It is what gives hope, it is why we follow. 

Looking up the origin of a year ending and a new beginning it is pretty fascinating how it all came together. There were different versions but ultimately the Julian Calendar introduced by Julius Caesar became the standard which then led to the Georgian calendar that is now accepted around the world. Reality is that it is just another day but it is a way to mark time and to reflect on the full revolution of the earth around the sun.  

As I say goodbye to another year, it is scripture that ultimately confirms my purpose and the purpose of life. Every life matters, there is not one that God doesn't treasure...it is why Jesus tells the story of the prodigal and of the lost sheep. We are all to remember that as we walk through each day, that each life on this earth is here for a purpose. Ultimately that purpose is in loving each other thereby honoring God our creator. In our obedience to him we have hope and faith and joy and love. For love is the prime defining characteristic of God. It is what we seek and desire most in this world, and it's power is what makes this life worth living.

So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.

1 John 4:16

DECEMBER 30, 2022

 “Remember, Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.” 

― Stephen King

ZECHARIAH 13-14

9The Lord will be king over the whole earth. On that day there will be one Lord, and his name the only name.(14:9)

REVELATION 21

1Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,”^a for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. 2I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. 3And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 4‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’^b or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

JOURNAL 

A new heaven and a new earth. The promise and hope given to those that are suffering and oppressed. This is the hope for those that are facing certain death in this world. The importance of hope cannot be denied. It is spoken of throughout the Bible and in prophecy and by Jesus himself. Hope is the sustaining message of the Bible. 

Psychologically I know this to be true. Studies have been done that affirm the importance of it in our own psychological health. We humans need something to believe in...

Hope keeps our minds at ease, lowers stress and improves physical health. Researchers studying heart-disease patients found that optimists were more likely than non-optimistic patients to take vitamins, eat low-fat diets and exercise, thereby reducing their overall coronary risk. A study of cancer patients revealed that pessimistic patients under the age of 60 were more likely to die within eight months than non-pessimistic patients of the same initial health, status and age. (TIME, May 28, 2011)

This hope is one of the distinguishable characteristics that separates us from animals...it is the calling of our soul for something better than what currently exists. That calling and yearn is proof that our souls know and seek something which does not exist on earth, it is the itch that cannot be scratched, the desire that cannot fully be filled and it is this truth that proves the existence of life beyond our present reality.

Thank you father for this truth...thank you that we always have hope and that hope can sustain and fulfill us in every moment of every day!

11Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

ROMANS 12:11-12

DECEMBER 29, 2022

 “Stop trying to protect, to rescue, to judge, to manage the lives around you . . . remember that the lives of others are not your business. They are their business. They are God’s business . . . even your own life is not your business. It also is God’s business. Leave it to God. It is an astonishing thought. It can become a life-transforming thought . . . unclench the fists of your spirit and take it easy . . . What deadens us most to God’s presence within us, I think, is the inner dialogue that we are continuously engaged in with ourselves, the endless chatter of human thought. I suspect that there is nothing more crucial to true spiritual comfort . . . than being able from time to time to stop that chatter . . . ” ~ Frederich Buechner 

ZECHARIAH 10-12

1Ask the Lord for rain in the springtime;

it is the Lord who sends the thunderstorms.

He gives showers of rain to all people,

and plants of the field to everyone.

2The idols speak deceitfully,

diviners see visions that lie;

they tell dreams that are false,

they give comfort in vain.

Therefore the people wander like sheep

oppressed for lack of a shepherd.(10:1-2)

REVELATION 20

 And I saw the souls of those who had been beheaded because of their testimony about Jesus and because of the word of God. They^a had not worshiped the beast or its image and had not received its mark on their foreheads or their hands. They came to life and reigned with Christ a thousand years.

JOURNAL 

One of the struggles I have and I daresay every human also battles is the internal dialogue. The constant thoughts and judgments and opinions about others and myself. It is one of the amazing gifts of being human but it is also one of the curses. This ability has a way of taking me out of the present moment and drowning me in thoughts that many times are not productive or loving. 

Years ago at Onsite I learned some great ways of stopping all those ping-pong thoughts and chatter. It relieved me and helped me find a peace that I had rarely ever experienced. Unfortunately I engage in this habit daily but I also am able to have a better perspective to realize the truth of Buechner's quote. It helps me to see that life is way bigger than my perspective, I get the blessing and joy of living in a world and time that is full of details, variety and for the most part peace and opportunity that would have been unthinkable 2000 years ago.

Thank you father for this reminder, for my opportunity and my small place in this world that you have blessed and allowed me to live. Help me to see it in all it's color, variety and wonder. Help me to free my mind from apathy and worry and instead see the opportunity and joy of today. 

We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives,^e 10so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, 11being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, 12and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you^f to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light. 13For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, 14in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

COLOSSIANS 1:9-14

DECEMBER 28, 2022

 “I believe that Jesus would have given His life for just one person. Jesus emptied Himself, He humbled Himself and He so yielded Himself to His Father's love that He had no ambition of His own. He was not looking to build an empire, He did not want praise or adulation or to impress people with who or how many followed Him. He stopped over and over again for just one person, for just one life.” 

― Heidi Baker, Learning to Love: Passion, Compassion and the Essence of the Gospel

ZECHARIAH 7-9

8And the word of the Lord came again to Zechariah: 9“This is what the Lord Almighty said: ‘Administer true justice; show mercy and compassion to one another. 10Do not oppress the widow or the fatherless, the foreigner or the poor. Do not plot evil against each other.’(7:8-10)

REVELATION 19

9Then the angel said to me, “Write this: Blessed are those who are invited to the wedding supper of the Lamb!” And he added, “These are the true words of God.”

10At this I fell at his feet to worship him. But he said to me, “Don’t do that! I am a fellow servant with you and with your brothers and sisters who hold to the testimony of Jesus. Worship God! For it is the Spirit of prophecy who bears testimony to Jesus.”

JOURNAL 

To worship God means to obey him. Obeying him means to act in love and care for those who are struggling, no matter the effect on me and my life. Throughout the entire Bible this is the constant command. Obedience is ultimately about serving. Obedience to God is first but then that obedience extends to loving others. In order to love correctly though, surrender and obedience to God at all cost is what is demanded. 

I am promised that when I surrender to God and commit my life to loving others then I will receive a peace and a joy that passes all understanding. This promise seems counter intuitive...especially in our world. With all the entanglements of this world it is so easy to lose perspective. It's so easy to believe that the more I have the happier I will be or to make sure I love those that can give me equal or greater love in return. That mindset is exactly opposite to everything that Jesus was and is. 

The older I get, I realize how important designated holidays are and why celebrating Christmas is so crucial to our faith, because we tend to get so caught up in "things" that we forget the purpose of it all. Jesus came and was born in the most unflattering way and his birth was announced to dirty "insignificant" shepherds. We will never know their names yet they were the first to hear the announcement and the first to visit him. I believe the reason was that he came to tend to the worst in us, not the best in us. We are to therefore do the same...

I am so grateful that I live in a country and in a time where Christmas is celebrated...yes it gets twisted and misused and manipulated but it still exists and I get the freedom to worship God and reach out in his love. Just as he continually reaches out across time and space to call me his own. 

4Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

8Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

PHILIPPIANS 4:4-9

DECEMBER 27, 2022

  “For the first time in my life I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth - that Love is the ultimate and highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love.” 

― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

ZECHARIAH 4-6

 12Tell him this is what the Lord Almighty says: ‘Here is the man whose name is the Branch, and he will branch out from his place and build the temple of the Lord. 13It is he who will build the temple of the Lord, and he will be clothed with majesty and will sit and rule on his throne. And he^e will be a priest on his throne. And there will be harmony between the two.’ 14The crown will be given to Heldai,^f Tobijah, Jedaiah and Hen^g son of Zephaniah as a memorial in the temple of the Lord. 15Those who are far away will come and help to build the temple of the Lord, and you will know that the Lord Almighty has sent me to you. This will happen if you diligently obey the Lord your God.”(6:12-15)

REVELATION 18

“ ‘Come out of her, my people,’^b

so that you will not share in her sins,

so that you will not receive any of her plagues;

5for her sins are piled up to heaven,

and God has remembered her crimes.

JOURNAL 

Time...it moves forward...day upon day. As I begin to look back and reflect on this past year, I can think back to what I learned but I can't change the past. It is locked in and now part of history. Yet the gift I am given is that of today and the ability to change my responses, my actions. What do I want them to be? What do I want these last few days of the year to contain. Some things I can control while others are beyond me.

The question is...what to do? The challenge is to channel them into actions that are purposeful and intentional. To do that well I must seek and obey God. That's precisely what God wants, for me to seek him with all my heart and give to him all of who I am in exchange for purpose, hope, joy and the bounty of his love. It is the only sure way that I get out of my own head, out of my own selfishness and consider life from the larger view. 

This will ensure that I make the most of today, tomorrow and whatever life I am given to live. Reality is it's all a gift and it is experienced and used best when acknowledged as such. Thank you Father for the reminder, thank you for another day, thank you for letting me be part of your world and your story.

What a life, what a world and how amazing God's grace!

13May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

ROMANS 15:13

DECEMBER 26, 2022

  “The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater.” 

― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

ZECHARIAH 1-3

7“This is what the Lord Almighty says: ‘If you will walk in obedience to me and keep my requirements, then you will govern my house and have charge of my courts, and I will give you a place among these standing here.

8“ ‘Listen, High Priest Joshua, you and your associates seated before you, who are men symbolic of things to come: I am going to bring my servant, the Branch. 9See, the stone I have set in front of Joshua! There are seven eyes^b on that one stone, and I will engrave an inscription on it,’ says the Lord Almighty, ‘and I will remove the sin of this land in a single day.

10“ ‘In that day each of you will invite your neighbor to sit under your vine and fig tree,’ declares the Lord Almighty.”(3:7-10)

REVELATION 17

 14They will wage war against the Lamb, but the Lamb will triumph over them because he is Lord of lords and King of kings—and with him will be his called, chosen and faithful followers.”

JOURNAL 

Regardless of the ominous daunting scripture there is always hope sewn into each chapter. Sometimes it is hard to find but it is always there. That is one of the things I have grown to love about the Bible. It is harsh at times and can be a bit scary but there is always hope.

That parallels our lives as well. Looking back on last year there are always times and moments when God seems to be absent. The news is filled with stories and even in our own community, tragedy and heartache seems to be lingering just around the corner. Sometimes it makes me wonder what God is up to...yet I don't have to look any further than scripture to know that we are far from alone in our despair and heartache. 

That is just part of living this life...but so also are the blessings. There are always blessings and there is always hope within every chapter of our lives. Sometimes you have to really search to find it but it's always there. 

11For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

JEREMIAH 29:11

DECEMBER 25, 2022

  “...talent means nothing, while experience, acquired in humility and with hard work, means everything.” 

― Patrick Süskind

HAGGAI

 4But now be strong, Zerubbabel,’ declares the Lord. ‘Be strong, Joshua son of Jozadak, the high priest. Be strong, all you people of the land,’ declares the Lord, ‘and work. For I am with you,’ declares the Lord Almighty. 5‘This is what I covenanted with you when you came out of Egypt. And my Spirit remains among you. Do not fear.’(2:4-5)

REVELATION 16

9They were seared by the intense heat and they cursed the name of God, who had control over these plagues, but they refused to repent and glorify him.

JOURNAL 

To be "strong" and "work" and to not "fear". These are the commands God had of the Israelites and I believe it the same commands he has for us today. For to be bold and strong  and diligent and to do so without fear is something that can only be accomplished in humility and in serving a God of love. 

To serve God in this way is only accomplished if my heart is fully surrendered to him in devotion and love. That only can happen when I fully believe that God loves me, cares for me and is worthy to follow.

This is the importance of the birth of Christ. This is why the essence of God being born into a low, humble, messy existence is so significant. God became one of us, so that we would love him, trust him and follow him through the low, humble circumstances of our own lives. We can identify and see that he does not ask us to follow some platitude that he himself has not experienced. He knows...he gets it. Therefore he asks us to trust him as we live the life that he has given us to live.

4So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. 5He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. 6While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, 7and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them.

8And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. 9An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. 10But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. 11Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. 12This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”

LUKE 2:4-11

DECEMBER 24, 2022

   “Life is a long lesson in humility.” 

― J.M. Barrie, The Little Minister

ZEPHANIAH

I will remove from you

your arrogant boasters.

Never again will you be haughty

on my holy hill.

12But I will leave within you

the meek and humble.

The remnant of Israel

will trust in the name of the Lord.(3:11-12)

REVELATION 15

“Great and marvelous are your deeds,

Lord God Almighty.

Just and true are your ways,

King of the nations.^a

4Who will not fear you, Lord,

and bring glory to your name?

For you alone are holy.

All nations will come

and worship before you,

for your righteous acts have been revealed.”^b

JOURNAL 

Christmas Eve! Oh this day has been one of my favorites! When I was young it was so magical because of the anticipation of Christmas Day and all that it entailed. As a parent it continued to be magical because of the same anticipation in my children's hope and excitement. But the reality is that as the years pass I realize that the true joy is found because of family, friends and time spent together.  Of all the Christmas movies I watch every year the one that always without fail is A Christmas Carol...specifically the one with Patrick Stewart as Scrooge. It is a reminder that God is greater than our bitterness, our greed, our anger, frustration and problems. 

So what is all of this business about God's desire for us to to be humble and meek. What does that really mean exactly? I think humility and meekness does not mean weakness but rather honest strength. It is an awareness of reality. It is not being more than I am or not needing or desiring to be something I am not. 

When I am humble, I understand that I am simply one of 7 billion living human beings. Whose life span would be 100 years at best and who is one of billions and billions of people that have lived before me and if God willing billions that will come after me. 

Yet it is also being aware that I am unique in that I am the only one who lives my life in my way for this period of time. That is an amazing gift of which I am a recipient. I did not author my existence, I received it. Therefore I am to live humbly and meekly in honor of God the creator and all those beautiful souls that have left their mark on this world and all those that are to come. 

This is humbling and a great honor. No matter what the day may come, no matter the joys or heartaches...the gift is life and that gift is from God. So because of that fact...each day that I am alive is Christmas Day. I honor that gift by living in that awareness and the joy of God's gift and my own existence. 

13Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom.

JAMES 3:13