Blessed!

Blessed are you, as you weep on your knees
With perfume and tears washing over My feet
Blessed are you, beggar, hopeless and blind
Calling for mercy when I'm passing by
Blessed are you, shaking your head
At two tiny fish and some bread
Blessed are you as you tremble and wait
For the first stone thrown at your sinful disgrace…

Blessed are you, walking on waves
To find yourself sinking when you look away
Blessed are you, leper, standing alone,
The fear on their faces, is all that you've known
Blessed are you, lonely widow
Who gave your last shiny coin to Yahweh
Blessed are you with your silver and lies,
Kissing the One who's saving your life…

A few months ago I came to a point in my life that I no longer could continue with life as it existed. I was living and dealing in ways that continued to trap and haunt me. Every hope that answered a hurt only seemed to lead to further despair. Although comforted by scripture I continually found myself tangled in webs of regret and fear.  I knew the “right” answers but I finally reached a point where I had to do something or else I felt my existence could no longer continue. That sounds extreme but the pain of those quiet moments in my brain was becoming unbearable. Shame, embarrassment, regret, hurt, anger were all woven into ropes of bondage that I could not break nor could I continue to bear.

In my desperation I sought out a human angel who guided me to a place called ONSITE www.onsiteworkshops.com. Upon watching the video and doing a little research I hoped that this place would help me find my way to peace. With the help of several others I was able to attend Onsite the week of June 5. I went off the grid for a week.  With no communication with the outside I entered a world of 40 others all seeking the same end…to leave the road of shame, hurt and regret and get on with living life as we dreamed it could actually be lived. 

Tell me your story, show me your wounds
And I'll show you what Love sees when Love looks at you
Hand me the pieces, broken and bruised
And I'll show you what Love sees when Love sees you

 
 
That week helped me to understand my past in ways that opened my eyes to pain and revealed its paradoxical blessing. I was able to be seen, known and loved. I was not loved for what I could do, or how I could perform. I was loved as I revealed shame, fear and failure. As a result I found joy that released me to dance without care, hug without reservation, cry without shame and see the beauty of my life without insecurity or arrogant pride.

I see what I made in your mother's womb
I see the day I fell in love with you.
I see your tomorrows, nothing left to chance
I see My Father's fingerprints
I see your story, I see My name
Written on every beautiful page
You see the struggle, you see the shame
I see the reason I came

I came for your story, I came for your wounds
To show you what Love sees when I see you… ~ Mac Powell

I see now that this is the life Christ came to reveal, this is the hope he gave his life to deliver. This is the meaning of being blessed in the midst of suffering and shame. For it is in the suffering and shame that we find the joy of a love that breaks, mends and heals.

These lyrics and video from Mac Powell help to encapsulate the Jesus that I hoped existed…although my trials haven’t vanished, in fact they’ve increased…it is in the quiet moments that once haunted me that I now find love that calms, heals and brings joy. 

"I am the door; if anyone enters through Me, he will be saved, and will go in and out and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly. I am the good shepherd; the good shepherd lays down His life for the sheep.”  John 10:9-11